Jul. 23rd, 2007
09:07 pm - Lack of Compassions for Others
"...and the further i get from the things that i care about the less i care about how much further away i get."
Nov. 27th, 2003
Maybe when I'm not safe from the protection of my home, and I go out in the real world, I'll know where I belong.
With where I am now, everything was ok. insane, maybe. but insane isnt good enough. People ask me to prove to them that I've changed my attitude.
Wanting to shrug it off and do what I'm usually doing and more; my social skills has taken a back door. These people judge me all the time and who the fuck wants that on their back.
go or stay or make it go away
ahhh afford the view. smack it back. i hate your laughing face. go away
to bring on a new day
Jun. 1st, 2007
04:36 pm - Initiate
and the only thing to enjoy is company
Dec. 23rd, 2005
03:56 am - The lowest low
God forbid I havent updated in so so long.
If my self-obsessed journal is the last place I go to express my thoughts, the next step would be suicide contemplation. Since I have no where else to go, this is it.
My past really really blows, one life tormenting story of events after another. But why do I bother making it so so dramatic. Because maybe it is that bad~
So again with LOVE. I always thought that when a cold hearted snub like me could cry at sad movies or for those deased kids in commercials, that I am now touched, and have had the chance of falling in love once, the feeling that changes everything about a person, even make tears form when there once was a stare of pity. DAMN those tears for wanting to swell at the feeling of worldly pain.
And yet when love was at my door again, waiting hopelessly, the stake of sadness pushes its way further into my heart, breaking the chance of ever knowing true love.
Happiness, completeness, and every thought of overcoming my past rushed over me, bringing tears.
All those who have unknowingly or knowningly - burdened and scar'd my life forever, I wish that they too know the pain. Many have touched my life, but many more will come through
The things that go unchanged and unforgivable in my past, still haunt me every now and then. The horrible dreams
I WANT REDEMPTION. Again, no justice for a poor soul of mine.
Everything has touched my life, the racial boundaries, the sexual encounters, the loss of faith, love, and care; not even love can save me now.
For I am only a cold empty darkened shallow pit, of returning guilt - because I am at fault for everything.
Nov. 13th, 2005
(dont mind this really- I havent got sleep in over 24 hours, and before that was only a 6 hour rest, but just cuz I care, I gotta save this)
Yo, If I died today, Id like everyone that I was shitty towards to know that if I had a rapper accent like my new friends from new york on the fingerprint record tour - Id sound like this:
Sen- No matter how annoying u could get, You still were the funnest mutha effer to chill with. Somehow those senard comments had a way of bringing a smile, but watch where you step on people cuz those can damper a good time- dumbass. I love you
Kitty- You always talked about Myron and I enjoy a good soap opera drama type story, just know that a man can have a bad past and still make mistakes. Also, I'm sorry for when I would say something stupid at the wrong time, you know its ignorance sometimes and I just wanna clear that up - I realize this everyday.
Ahmed- you got what you deserved, asshole, so now the feeling is mutual. See you in hell
Kim - Course everyone is going to be hostile against someone who always gets their way. Its nature, and somehow life keeps treating you good. Although school was all harshness in Kent, Glad to know that you'll find another school worth going to and to go get that job.
Polina- Im tired of your bullshit, so open your eyes; extend your horizons beyond schoolwork and a boyfriend. You only got one year here so spend everyday wisely and dont drool yourself in gorging. These are the times that may break or make and I aint gunna puy up with witnessing that shit, ya hear! this is america yo.
(and yall hear about the rep the US has)
Nina- you crazy bitch. Dunno why Im still nice to you after the night that changed my life, You fucking turned your back because of revenge! then You go and drop me, then you start toking up, and everything is cool again? You got some nerve to approach me but thats why your italian ass got through all that bullshit. Somethings not right about you , and you pretty much are insane. But damnit You were fuckin a riot. I laugh just thinking about you -and I know if you read this youd be offended ~
M - That piece of shit friendship was fake as hell. The sad thing is, you go about your life like nothing happened -so go live it.
Scott- You fuckin ig-nant asshole. Your one selfish motha fucker you know that? But i love ya- You got charisma I see only in the special ones. Maybe arrogance? I got my reasons but I still aint gunna change ya.
David- Nothing is gunna make you happy in life, not the 40oz. or the stash or whatever the hell. Being honest, I'll never hook-up with you not in a million years, but I gotta stick by your side cuz who else will. Your boys are all potential enemies, you know what happens when something interferes with friendship= backstabbing, beef, fights/violence, the cops called and you end up in jail/prison. Think you got a handle on things? How bout when you got reality knocking and its got some real issues where you gotta actually do something bout it? Leave that highschool bullshit ring and pick yourself off the ground. You act just like a mutha fucking bum sometimes and that shits NOT cool. "think of where you CAN GO" fucca. I love ya for some the same reasons - u dont give a fuck and you have fun doing that damn thing. Like we can go roll around, music blasting, talking bout whatever, -then you go trifilin bout something 'this dude, that dude" FUCK that bullshit. You got a life so cherish it and get in control. I dont care if you smoke crak the rest of your life and got no teeth, as long as you love yourself and am gettin paid the legal way. I wanna know if youre ok. We practically grew up together, And when people turn their back on me, they fucking disappeared, but Ill always be there for you, whenever. Your my lil road dog rolling up at the drive though.
Just dont play that game where you risk loosing life -either in prison or actual life- or I'll kill you myself. ODing is NOT cool cuz your friends are suppose to take care of you, not enforce it. Its up to you to not mix shits and just drink without exccess baggage you gotta handle the next morning when your mom wakes you up with a urine test. Life is not about running from the cops, fucking bitches, rolling bluts, drinking 40s YOU AINT FROM THE GHETTO so get up out and away from the society that pulls us down and be a 'only at parties' partier and no fiene or junkie is gunna rise up from the hood. MUTHA are you like that?? Bitch boy along for the ride? You down with everything god damn thing? Youre outta your mind and fucking lost. Thats ok when you keep a decent living. Alls you gotta do is live your own life, even if you gotta have a drink every morning, Youll know you can atleast make it though the day all by yourself and not someone elses schedule- Shitt outta luck with your boys, they just got you as another homie thats down with everything, bitch. You got your own opinions and you know whats up, but you aint gotta life. Life is not about the fiene, the next high, or gettin booze. Its not about what your boys are gettin into later on in the night, You gotta grow up and realize that theres more out there. Culture, History, Magnificent life-altering places and people. Go to another country, see sights, breath in air and mellow to the sounds of live drums on da beach. Oh no what would you rather do, relax -no, You gotta call up a tag-team phone call to find a ride to CVS or go on a smoke break, when you could go to portage lakes and sail on a boat for a day while having a picnic with some brews and some stellar friends? Oh wait, you lost alot of those havent you? What about contact with Scott? Your lil protege ID, and Jules and Jack, where are they now?
Nov. 5th, 2005
03:55 am - Sad time
Whos all leaving/transfering next semester:
-my best friend here at kent, and ex roomie
-the closest boy to me and coolest guy ever
-this dude I just met this year whos totally kick-ass
-and then there was the friend that passed away
Also, school work is getting to be overwhelming, I lack motivation, I lack the skills to make new friends, and the future holds lil hope.
Oct. 28th, 2005
My stupid self went and opened up to people and I just cannot control doing so. Who the hell am I to go and pour on my past life stories like I can relate to the same experience. Ever since new friends came along in college I could of stopped from incriminating myself, so to speak.
Yes people do judge, its a given right, but damn I hate the way I try helping poeple and they go and start shit.
Therefore, to clear rumors, I never was addicted to any drugs and I certainly am not a slut. So SHUT THE HELL UP.
Everyone I know smokes pot these days, well i dont. And how come skanks can go around and have lots of sex, yet nobody knows about it, but if I cuddle up with Lee on Mikes bed, all of a sudden, we did something. OH no we watched a movie. Holy load get a life boys.
Oct. 21st, 2005
I feel like shit, in the worst way too
The numb feelin like you donno what to do
Everything seems Ok right now, but at the same time the world is all going to fall from under me.
A friend of mine died last friday 10-14
He was the 19 year old pilot you probably saw on TV. The Portage County airwaves missed the two flying planes the hit each other. What they do- forget to watch the moniters and warn them? 4 people died. He was only 19, exactly two weeks before his 20th birthday.
Presently, alot is being taken away, and it seems life aint giving anything back
The only thing coming at me is the people who hurt me in the past. People I use to love and care about, I see them every now and then. Its a happy but frightening thing. Times have changed and these relationships are different.
How do I go about seeing the people I loved knowing damn well shit aint the same.
Please call me or say Hi or something. Make me feel better than poo
Sep. 25th, 2005
CounTerFeit900 (6:58:15 PM): hey
kickme450 (6:58:37 PM): hey matt
CounTerFeit900 (6:58:42 PM): whats up
kickme450 (6:59:19 PM): uh got two exams first thing tomorrow morning, and a guiz later. hows school going for you
CounTerFeit900 (6:59:29 PM): bad
CounTerFeit900 (6:59:34 PM): its just all fucked up
kickme450 (6:59:51 PM): huh what u mean
CounTerFeit900 (7:00:07 PM): just my classes and stuff im not doin well
kickme450 (7:02:02 PM): um well you arent alone or anything. Besides school just started, it takes adjustment you know
kickme450 (7:02:26 PM): are you going to akron U
CounTerFeit900 (7:03:01 PM): no ashland
CounTerFeit900 (7:05:03 PM): im 20 years old and i have no idea what i want out of life
kickme450 (7:05:48 PM): uh you're telling me...
kickme450 (7:06:12 PM): what happened since high school. Werent you going for that cartoon or business thing
kickme450 (7:06:19 PM): or skatboarding
CounTerFeit900 (7:06:25 PM): business but im obviously no good at business
kickme450 (7:07:09 PM): haha business invovles sitting at a desk all day...no wonder you're not good at it, cuz its too boring
kickme450 (7:07:45 PM): find something that really grabs your attention so you'll atleast have an interest in learning about it
kickme450 (7:07:58 PM): tho i should be talking....i got no clue either
CounTerFeit900 (7:08:04 PM): yea but you got time
CounTerFeit900 (7:08:26 PM): brb
Sep. 20th, 2005
06:24 pm - Smoking weed got me...
-temper control problems
So For all you people enjoy smoking to smoke: the next time you feel like shit and need a hit, think about what you are losing~ (sanity?)
Dont pass your problems from day to day, or procrastinate. If you're ditching friends to smoke, why cant you smoke with them? Sharing is caring
YOU HAVE no life if all you do is smoke WEED
Aug. 31st, 2005
Really really on the edge...mmmaannn. gotta get incontact with the bastard, that bastard! He fucked me up without being close enough to screw me over, but he did anyway, what a sneaky lier. Now if he were to get whats coming to him, he better hide like osama bid laden. Cuz its time for the FBI mutha fucka.
Have you ever really noticed that the COPS really dont do anything? They shit and file reports but have no interest in any action of catching these scums of the city. AND i heard this straight from a cop himself downtown, which he said piont blank "I file all the reports made but theres nothing I can do about it. Thats all I do is file the reports. It's not your problem anyhow, its now the ____ . WE cannot search anything outside these walls (in the police station)"
FORGET the report. FUCK NO I'm not writing out a complaint if they don do anything, Fucking bastard. Why the hell are their cops if they dont do anything but stay inside their booths.
Jul. 14th, 2005
Yesterday I was driving around the akron streets late at night when all these cars were blowin past...
..and this guy appears outta nowhere, his arms held out, walking down the middle of this two lane road.
08:01 pm - A year since I put down a bowl, and 2 monthes ago I brushed my soulder off and picked up a bottle
The time has come for me to decide if I have a problem with drinking. Most people say they dont when they really do, wether or not they realize thier problem. But who the hell would take a friend to AA with them if they hadnt thought their friend had a problem
I despise alcohol.
Another thing is the weight I gained probably from beer. Damn fool.
The man I always wanted was for a long-term relationship but that'll never happen at this age. Maybe the last one was on drugs when he said love but that doesnt matter anymore. Tho it was a 5 month thing, It kinda hurts inside when you realize he treated you wrong. And for those other guys; just one bad relationship after the next. And it all started with the fear of love. and there is no explaination for that type of emotion cuz it moves like a rollercoaster.
May. 21st, 2005
WTF is up with America. Many cultures have religion and family to bond ourselves, but this country refuses to stand our a single ground, and bases everything by the governments FREEDOM. bs. our freedom is go out and get wasted. or slave into the armed forces
~my mom bitches at me to obey her, yet shes the one that lets me go clubbin since i was 14 and get away with getting drunk and high almost everynight. way to go mom, you are now a victim to americization. Instead you could be teaching me chinese and giving me some culture.~
Its not like the world can help us. The settlers loved taking over whats not theirs to begin with, get drunk, make money, beat their wives, and if you were caught being a poor drunk in the gutter, well you were the first to start a whole empire of low-lives. Our country has way too many social classes. Bombarded with rich people as many as the poor, and the middle class has to settle in where ever.
I live and die by this very reason: you cant win um all.
* and fuck my X. hes an asshole. hes making me NOT want to talk to him anymore. we curse at each other and bring up things that happened long ago. F him
Apr. 10th, 2005
All these aspirations and yet alone with nothing.
i'm cleaning today and going thro all my shit, to discover that I've gave up on alot of shit.
-writting and illustrating my own book
-invent my own cartoons and starting a book with a friend
-clothing scketches and the purse i never made. as well as the piles of fabric i still have in my closet.
-hmm, my air brush machine is getting dusty from the time I worked at the mall as an srtist. dumb bitch
these crafts are useless. tho the sirbrushing has come in handy..
SIGH my friends are all ignoring me for the last time at the bar- when something slipped and I humiliated everyone I was with and the people around me. this hang-up when i call shit is annoying.. small talk is better than no talk.
so last night I spent all afternoon with my man and his friends. A nice big meal was cooked by his mother and we filled up and chilled. Later that night, he called and tried to get me to say the word LOVE. for such a strong word, its meaning lies within the way it is said. So I guess he loves me but we are definately NOT -IN- love together. atleast from my piont, that is. i care about him alot, and we have our moments & conflicts, but nnaaahhhhh. ..details remain unecessary here
for the most part, just typical average broke college kids shit.
03:49 pm - summer is coming..
wow a whole nother front is on...so much to will be happenin
Dont do what I think you'll do-
Had a great time at college. My girls will be here this summer.
Pay no attention to me tho, cuz I'll be gone after June.
Mar. 20th, 2005
kickme450: dang what happened
AzorteMiMono69: what do you mean?
kickme450: the past few years just flew by and i feel like i missed out on some amazing times
AzorteMiMono69: aww tina dont look at stuff like that you should just be happy cause its your life and you only get one :D
AzorteMiMono69: like what amazing times
kickme450: like senior year. i missed keeping alot of great friends...just from being away
AzorteMiMono69: yea senior year was really fun
kickme450: lol it was a ton of ISS's
AzorteMiMono69: what were you getting ISS's for?
kickme450: lookin at facebook has got me all nastolgic and reminising
AzorteMiMono69: haha yea i remember highschool i miss it cause i have like 10 friends here
kickme450: prob cuz i ditched alot....the art teacher showed me the attendece records to me one day where the school marks a check off next to your name...and mine had so many, they added another page with just my checks
kickme450: it aint that bad [having only 10 friends],. i got more enemies than friends now
kickme450: oh and i kicked it for days
kickme450: haha that was an awsome time
Damn i miss my matthew. He was always a short walk away and he always knew how to cheer me up. There was something about that goofy kid...
Mar. 19th, 2005
06:10 pm - (empty)
Home for one day, then off to an island somewhere. Vacation is well needed. I fight with my boyfriend every day and he means so much but....is it worth it?
So many issues arose last night. So much that I had to pace.
He calms me down and lets me simmer. But when something stirs me again I go crazy.
...cant let it go....this time. something better keep me grounded
Otherwise, i'll let my mind go free on the beach. the whole time struggling to express whats really going on to my family there. I get good advice all the time but for once I just need one more life lesson to come my way. Yet again I'll be shipped off (overseas) in another few monthes. But will i ever grow? up
So then i drove through akron today, reminising. All the streets look different now. but yet hold so many visions of yesterday. WTF It was quite frightnin
that I remeber those days and have everything RUSH back to me.
I strongly want to go back to the old life and not give a fuck about anything and just get the last dime in for gas money and food....but all thats ahead of me looks doubtful. Look for hope, they say. I quess thats what happens when history repeats itself but now, the struggle lies in who my friends/enemies are than how I will survive that next day. you see, i am use to the fact of having to deal getting by....but some people take me under their wing and I have to make it....Not again will I fuck this up...like so many times before and you know it too. those of you who have witnessed it
..and the past keeps at it - attacking me
Jan. 2nd, 2005
Living in the future world....and having the past repeat itself, has given me nostalgia and a disturbing feeling of insanity.
I now have two new cell phones and this unapreciative view on all the possesions that I dont deserve. My parents have done everything they could for me yet I still go out late and return when the sun rises.
When I had two cell phones a few years ago, I had gotten rid of one out my car window and the other taken away cuz bills. Yet, I keep on getting things that I just use, use, and abuse all over again. [to borrowing a car or the begining of a relationship...]
Being arrogant, I believe that I need these things to better myself and a way to find a place where it seems credible enough to suit myself and lots of friends. Yet, the only ones I've gotten to know (and those treated shitty - in the past) still think my parents spoil me and let me run loss on THEIR money and all over THEIR respect - which may never be returned.
Still, everything in my life that has found its way into my possesion, or friendship, has not earned its full payback. Someday, when I'm grown enough to know how to repay off these important things, will I not know any remorse...of which....feels worthy of me.
I seek (false?) wisdom that may send me to my doom. another insecurity
Yet, as I keep on meeting new faces, and go visit the way-back, the fault still stands; the same mistakes as a fool would ignore and hope to be king.
my bullshit gets me through my day, and even though it seems I get my way, I could never accomplish anything short of being normal. This meaning, a person who can control thier life, themselves, in any situation.
So let me bullshit, and let me get away with it, keep me guessing, but let me be wrong. My doubt of anything or anyone, is just plain stupid (paranoia), but is my own compulsion. My obsession.
Conflict and Controversy: the things I love to hate and hate to love; the topics which keep me alive and will eventually kill me.
Dec. 22nd, 2004
Dec. 13th, 2004
The thought of being here, in this falling apart dorm, still bothers me. College is one shit hole where kids dwell and it's like one big hotel party where your friends live next door and you can run around the halls at night or get laid on a bunk bed.
Holy load, it hasn't hit me that this is what I have to do for the next 3 1/2 years of my life. It's insane with how much trouble everyone get into.
People are in college that you'd never expect. Drug addicts are even going to school. F*ck.
Break is this weekend and I'm now just getting to know everyone in my building. I'm sick of them, but I'm gunna A) miss my girls who won't be going here anymore and B) those boys who get on my nerves.
Everybody is here, we all lead the same life, but have different pasts.
I hate college. But compared to anything else, this is all I have. My future has me but the balls and I could either stay through the torture or risk getting them *cough* removed.
Navigate: (Previous 20 Entries)